Musings

Sunriver Vacation

2010-06-10T18:39:00.000-07:00

Perry's folks, Paul's girlfriend Jenn, Paige, Perry and I are in Sunriver enjoying some R&R. We have been vacationing in Sunriver for many years. Our relationship with Sunriver began back in college when we would come for retreats. I was remembering a trip here with Rich Rollins for an IFC retreat. We got here in the evening and I remember driving around all those circle intersections kind of lost trying to find our house in the dark. It has been vintage Sunriver so far: Tuesday - Paige and I took Jenn on her first horseback ride, hot tubbing. Wednesday - went into Bend and watched "The Prince of Persia" - two thumbs up. Thursday (today) - riding tandem bikes. We also catch up on cable TV while we're here since we don't have it at home. I like the "Overhaulin'" show. We've been watching movies, eating a lot, and having fun. Now, the question is, "Do we plan to be on vacation during the basketball finals." Well, not really but it is a bonus. Still to come - trip to Goodies ice cream parlor, trip to thrift store, guys bike trip to Benham Falls.

Thankful:
June 5 - I was stressing a little about Wedding, VBS, and things in general and God really impressed on me, "I got this." Thanks God.
June 6 - Had some enthusiastic people for our VBS meeting. Thankful for our worship team.
June 7 - I got to read a chapter book to the family while we drove up to Sunriver. They still like a story.
June 8 - Horseback riding. I have always loved horses. It was fun to go on a beautiful ride down by the river.
June 9 - Nice relaxing today.
June 10 - Nanny went into the ER last night with a nose bleed. She needed to be picked up this morning early. Pattie went to pick her up for us. Thank you Pattie. Another thing I am thankful for is that Zach went with her. Thankful for that guy.
General thanksgiving - Nanny went into the ER earlier this week with a nose bleed that couldn't be stopped. Mike Gallagher went to visit her and ended up bringing her home for us. As Nanny reminds us, God is so faithful to care for her. I am thankful to have Jenn with us for the whole time this trip. I am thankful for how much Paige makes me laugh, my responsible husband, and loving family. I am enjoying reading Acts together. Turn to Jesus so that times of refreshing may come.
Netflix movies - "Greener Mountains" - This is the story about a young man who grew up on a resort but pretends that he is a New Yorker when he meets a lady from New York that he wants to impress. This is definitely made for TV quality but had a touching ending.

School's Out for Summer

2010-06-04T22:41:00.000-07:00

Wow, I guess it's been a while since I blogged. Well, school's out for summer, so I will have some more time. I've been thinking of some summer goals. Paige and I want to go to the lake every Tuesday - that may depend on the weather. I would like to do a multi-generational Bible study, reflect on what I am thankful for each day (I can blog that), watch some of the top 100 movies, go to the Grand Canyon, dance at my daughter's wedding, get current on some children's novels, read a new author each week, fix breakfast for my kids, and be available to help others.

Thankful:
June 1 - We went to Micah's graduation. He and some of his classmates played a song that they wrote. The song was awesome. It sounded like a movie soundtrack. The commencement speaker was pretty hilarious too.
June 2 - I was thankful for the nice bridal shower that Kim, Jordan, Rachel, and Hailey did for Pattie.
June 3 - I finished checking out at school today. I went out to the Lake Club with Paige and Brenda to check out the kitchen. I was thankful to find out that there are some things we can use at the Lake Club that we won't have to rent for the wedding. Our rental bill went down about $600 dollars - thank you, God. I was thankful to get to visit with Pastor Greg at school. It was neat to hear what God is doing in his life. He and Dixie said some nice things about me and encouraged me.
June 4 - I was thankful to get to see Pattie and Zach's apartment today. We helped move some things into it and got it ready to live in. I enjoyed reading about Cabo in Barnes and Noble today. It's nice to get an idea about where Pattie & Zach are going. I enjoyed my phone visit with Delouris today.
General thankfulness: I have enjoyed the unseasonably cool weather and the beautiful clouds. I am thankful for all the things Perry does to care for his family - from washing laundry to filling up the car with gas. He is so thoughtful.
Movie pick: "Charlotte Gray" - I believe it was based on a true story. Charlotte Gray (Cate Blanchett) is recruited by the Secret Service in England to be a courier in the French resistance in World War II. She hopes to find her boyfriend that has been shot down in France. I really enjoyed the cinematography.

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T01:15:00.000-08:00

As I prepare to say good-bye to 2009, I ponder what the year brought us. I began 2008 still morning the loss of my mom. I think I will always mourn that loss, if not so intensely, the rest of my life. In 2009, however, I began to see the good things that have come out of that mourning. God has renewed a thankfulness in me for the ordinary. I also have a newer compassion for those going through loss. My heart is a little softer. I thank God for that. I counted it a privilege this year to walk through death with my cousins as my aunt left this world to go to be with Jesus. To witness their love for her and her love for them was a precious gift. I was able to comfort them with the comfort God has given me.

We are also seeing our family expand. Pattie got engaged to Zach and we eagerly anticipate their wedding. God had a wonderful way of showing us what a great husband he will be for her, and we are getting a pretty amazing son-in-law out of the deal. I have wondered how this part of life would feel when our children start to leave home and marry. It has felt pretty good so far – not like part of our family is leaving but that it is just enlarging. That is pretty awesome.

Paul’s girlfriend Jen has also become a special part of our family. We are glad she feels so comfortable with us. We are touched by her sweetness daily. Paul has gotten his first job and is pretty excited to be employed. He will begin working after the first, and we are thankful for this new adventure for him called a paying job.

Paige was not flourishing at Foothill so we decided to home school her this fall. It turned out to be a great decision for her. She enjoys the flexibility and smaller classes. We are reminded again how different all three of our children are from each other. We are thankful that God opened up a place for Paige at Charlotte’s home school. I am thankful for all Perry’s running around this year, but even that is time well spent with his daughter. He has enjoyed getting a work out partner at the gym. Our warrior princess is back.

As this year started, I was in the middle of a school year with many different staff changes. I am so glad that those new staff have become part of the reason I love to teach. I love working with teachers who love their students and inspire me each day. What a synergy. And the students are beyond a gift. They are so precious. I find myself at points during the day when I can’t believe I actually get paid to be with these kids. Their integrity, faith, curiosity, and love are such a blessing. I love coming along side them in their faith journeys and living life together. I anticipate more in 2010. I miss them even as I write these lines.

We’ve been blessed to have a small group again this year meeting in our home. Josh and Jenn Bartlett are leading it, which is pretty cool to see. Monday nights are a time to worship and encourage one another. It has really been that to me – a time to receive courage from each other and to give courage. As we go through ups and downs, it’s nice to know that there’s a group of people you can share anything with and they will pray with you and be there to love unconditionally. Thanks for all those great questions Josh. It’s been very rewarding recently to see God freeing people in our church of unforgiveness and things that have held them under control. We pray for more of God’s freedom this year, for those in our church and for those in our community. God is increasing our vision of the church from four walls to our whole community. Come Lord Jesus and fill our city, free it from the chains that bind, and may your glory flow in the streets and fill the homes. We are seeing God provide in areas of leadership, and He continues to remind us of His love for the church.

As 2009 closes and we look into 2010, I am reminded that sorrow lasts for a night but joy comes in the morning. I am thankful for the full and abundant life God has given. I look forward to growing in my knowledge of God and experiencing more of Him.

Moving My Mother's Things

2009-11-07T21:13:00.000-08:00

Everyone was up early to get ready to go to my Mom's and move some of her things to my brother's cabin. We are calling it Granny's Cottage. Our youth mentors are having a retreat there so that is motivation for us to get it ready. Mark did a lot of work to get it ready - everything from installing a sink in the kitchen to moving the wood stove. We also did a lot of cleaning to get it ready. Today we met Mark in Red Bluff and drove down to mom's. When we got there we found that it had been broken into. Someone had gone through looking for valuables. Thankfully, we had moved most of the worldly valuables out. There wasn't much left that a theft would want but there was plenty of value to us there - like my Mom's paintings, photos, things she had made, her collections of Hummels, old bottles, milk white glassware, etc. We moved some furniture and things to supply the cabin. We got everything up there in one piece. It looked a little like the Beverly Hillbillies' car. We got everything into the cabin and came home. Mark's wife Judi is going to do some decorating and arranging tomorrow. It felt good to get it done. I wasn't emotional today when we were doing it - too busy working. Tonight I am feeling pretty melancholy. I have a jar my Mom gave me the last Christmas she was alive. It has a bunch of wishes to a daughter in it. When I miss her I take one out. I have started writing God blessings on the back of each one. I probably did about 10 of them tonight. God is so good, even when you're feeling blue.

Random Thoughts

2009-08-11T00:37:00.000-07:00

Starting to have school dreams.

Great sharing at Aunt Pearly's funeral today. She had such a big heart and was loved by so many.

Couldn't talk Paige out of the remote control tonight. Time for her to leave home - not really.

Perry bought me chocolate cake to eat while I watch my movie.

Enjoyed getting to visit with my family today. Why is my brother so funny?

Naps are glorious.

We are buying a shock collar for Quin.

Reunion

2009-07-23T22:37:00.001-07:00

This is a week of reunion. Friday our good friend Julya and her son Chance visited in Anderson. I felt a little bad about Chance having to hang out with us. He did pretty well. I appreciate Julya's ability to listen and her love for God. She's very intuitive. Julya and I visited another high school friend, Charlotte, on Monday. It was fun to catch up and realize how much we have in common because of age, common values, and parenting. On Wednesday Kim and I drove to Sacramento on the first leg of our road trip to Tahoe. We have been staying with Pattie. It's so good to see her and spend some time together. We also got to visit with Zach and see Adam very quickly. We had coffee with the Streeters today. Always fun to see what God is doing in their lives. The girls were with them and they are getting so big. Tomorrow we head to Tahoe and will spend some time with four friends from college. I've had some good laughs with Kim. My stomach hurts from laughing so much. I bought a sketch pad and have been doing some drawing and I painted a picture for Pattie's apartment. The art has felt therapeutic.

Rattlesnake Strike

2009-07-16T00:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was like a rattlesnake strike.

My friend who lives in Missouri was struck by a rattlesnake on her back porch. I can only imagine the terror. One minute you’re in your home, comfortable, and the next minute you step outside and smack, venom is spreading through your body.

I felt like that when I got news yesterday that my aunt has cancer. Perry & I had just spent a few terrific days at the coast celebrating his birthday. When we came home I got the news that my aunt has cancer and is undergoing chemo and radiation at the same time. First you’re numb and then you start talking to God. Shock, sadness, heal her, give my family strength, helplessness, anger, submission, hope. I struggled with the most basic issue – do you trust me, Peggy? With life, death. Am I still good when someone you love dies? I thought of Job. He was no fair-weather follower. I hope the venom doesn't spread. Trust is the anti-venom.

Brain investment

2009-07-01T23:41:00.000-07:00

So, I was watching old Looney Tune cartoons and I found that I remembered almost all of them from when I was a kid. Granted my brother and I never missed a Saturday morning of Looney Tunes for years, but I began to wonder how much of my brain synapses were dedicated to Looney Tune memories? Then as I got older it was song lyrics like Copa Cabana and Why Can't we be Friends? I hope I haven't used up too much connections on cartoons and Copa Cabana! I guess I should tell my kids that when I get older if the short term memory goes they can just watch cartoons and sing Barry Manilow songs with me.

Wait for it

2009-06-27T11:25:00.000-07:00

The week after school got out our family went to Sunriver, Oregon for a week of vacation. It was very relaxing, very restful. I realized how much I need rest for my creativity to get energized. It was our first family vacation without Pattie. That felt weird, sad, and okay all at the same time. I am so proud of her and what she is investing her life in. That helps. We rode bikes, watched cable which we don’t get at home, ate ice cream, played tennis, ate, slept, went thrift store shopping, and relaxed. Paige and I went to the High Desert Museum. Paul and Perry went on a long bike ride. Meme picked movies for us to watch. Papa was chief dish washer. It was good to spend time with Perry’s folks and to see them doing well.
We came back from Sunriver and I needed to really get on Vacation Bible School planning and prep. I was feeling a bit frantic as I had lots to do. Throughout the week I could feel God smiling at me with the thought of just wait, it’s going to be good. It was a super week for many different reasons. When I feel fearful or stressed that usually means something good’s coming. It started with a great message from Dave Bruno on Sunday from David and Goliath. He encouraged us to engage in ministry, to stay away from negative – can’t do it people, be authentic, to remember our lions and bears, and to let God fight our battles. What great advice. I got to really but that into practice this week.
God provided so many helpers and surprises during the week of prep. With each one, I felt like it was a personal gift from God. The topper was finding these perfect mad scientist gloves at Walmart. (Our theme was science) Now, that’s personal. One of the verses God gave me during the week of prep was Psalm 107:14, 43 “He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Whoever is wise, let him heed these things and consider the great love of the Lord.” Prep week reminded me how important a team is in ministry.
During Power Lab I saw God working in so many ways. One of the neat things about VBS is seeing so many different ages working together. God has been bringing home to me how important unity is and how we are fragmented into so many sub groups. I loved seeing all ages together in one endeavor. When I was planning on VBS I had a list of dream team people to help. God gave them to me. The people that made up our team were working in the places that God has gifted them in and that was fun to watch. From Delouris and Tammy in the kitchen with the gift of serving to Rich teaching children as they arrive about science, from Becky working with preschoolers to Barbara doing crafts. I was blessed just watching them work in their fields of expertise. I was blessed to see the teenagers’ love for kids grow. It was fun to see the kids love the leaders. So many seeds were planted in the fertile soil of children’s hearts. Many had questions about God and were going home and reading the Bible all on their own. I know we had some genuine decisions for the Lord. I was particularly blessed to hear about one unchurched girl who just wanted to come to VBS to learn about Jesus. Her father had apparently come to a VBS at our church 35 years ago. Wow, God, You’re good. I loved watching the relationship bonds in between members of our team. People in our church who previously only recognized another person by sight now laughing with them at our debrief meetings. I saw people working through discouragement, fatigue, and uncertainty. I am so proud of the team.
And the kids! They are so precious. Some pictures I will carry with me a long time are Riley in her blue goggles, Gwyn in her oversized sunglasses, Anna telling me how shy she is and then proceeding to negate that statement, quiet preschoolers rubbing mud all over Ally’s arm, Kody and Mariah at the registration table doing a great job, Ashton standing on the pew singing the worship songs with all his might, concern on a girl’s face because of the uncertainty of her parents’ relationship with God. They are so precious and so worth our investment. Kids teach me lessons all the time.
Well, this was pretty wordy and if you made it to the end, congratulations. I could go on and on. All the blogs in the world could not contain all of God’s goodness. I hope you will consider the great love of the Lord. It’s easy to do that coming off of a good week. The clincher is to do that when in the middle of a battle. Help me to see God that your goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Recurring theme

2009-06-04T23:31:00.000-07:00

Ever had one of those weeks when you keep hearing the same message? Almost Groundhog Day like. It has been one of those weeks for me. I have repeatedly heard stories from people about how they have had to go through a period of waiting and then God gave them something better than they could have even imagined. Waiting - no one likes to wait but we learn so much and I guess even God takes time to work. It's kind of comforting that He takes His time with things. Another recurring theme this week has been the song Somewhere over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwoole. I keep hearing it at graduations, blog sights, etc. What is it with this? It feels like I am in a movie and that is the theme music. This week was pretty busy and crazy - maybe I needed some recurring themes to ponder. Other moments captured:

Sad moment - Pattie's empty room - I need to fill it up quick

Hard to say good-bye moment - School got over on Tuesday. I hated to see this year with these kids end. Have no doubt, I am very ready for summer vacation but I will miss having these awesome kids in my class. They have some pretty awesome families too.

Catching up - Great to see Karda again

Tearful & proud moment - CCS 8th grade graduation - "The Call" sung by Natalie & Katie, great speeches by Lorrie & Chris

Fun moment - free root beer floats at Sonic with fam and Britny

Ah moment - Watching people I love graduate

Concerned moment - Paige has been pretty sick with the flu. Not a good time during finals - teachers please be gracious.

Very happy moment - Perry jokingly said yesterday, "Do you have anything to correct tonight?" NO

Did I mention I am looking forward to summer?

Moments

2009-05-30T22:52:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those very full days, the kind of days that go by in a blur. It was a day that was so full it was in danger of losing the moments. The other day, I overheard a friend giving advice to another friend about her upcoming wedding – “Every so often throughout the day just take a minute to take in the moments. Just stop and look around.” We aren’t a very reflective society. It seems like I can go through a whole day without catching the glimpses.
My day started this morning at 6:36 a.m. when the security alarm went off in the shark exhibit at Six Flags. I was there with my class spending the night. It was pretty amazing and now I sound like a walking shark fanatic. I need to just take a breath. I was reminded today just how dedicated the parents at our school really are. I know they all sacrificed to be there with their kids, slept in uncomfortable accommodations, but shared some awesome moments with their kids. The sharks themselves were works of art. There are over 400 different kinds of sharks. (Not all of them are at Six Flags) God just kind of went crazy designing these creatures. Each one has such an interesting pattern. One of the kids asked how they sleep since some sharks have to keep swimming to pass water over their gills. A shark has the ability for half its brain to sleep at a time. Isn’t that cool.
The drive home was pretty fun just getting to swap stories with the people in our van. We had dog stories, growing up stories, and jokes. What fun conversation. It was like sitting around a campfire but being in an air-conditioned van instead.
When I got home my terrific family wanted to hear all about my trip – thanks for listening to all the shark facts.
We then headed out to Lake, CA for Zach and Jordan’s graduation party. It was great to see familiar faces and meet new ones. Perry & I even had some time to catch up with each other. I was reminded of how important a moment can be. One of the little guys at the party fell in the lake and Jordan fished him out. Sometimes a moment can save your life. Michael asked me about my blogging – so here it is Michael. Thanks for the encouragement. I was reminded again about how much talent and creativity that group has, from writing to leading. Ubergifted. I had some nice visits with people. I heard love, pride, faithfulness, and contentment.
After a delicious meal, I headed to my friend Kim’s for an Open House for Karda. It was great to see her again. It was a catch up moment. I got to see some other faces I haven’t seen for awhile too.
There were many more moments. It’s been fun to ponder the day before it’s gone. I was thinking of a day many years ago after it had snowed. The kids were in the car and we were heading home at a crawl on I-5. We looked over to the right and we could see a little mouse running through the snow on the side of the road. Our hearts went out to it. It was so cute as it hopped through the snow. Now I had never noticed mice on the side of I-5 but apparently they are there. If we hadn’t slowed down we would missed that unusual moment.
What were some of your moments today?

Reflections on the Resurrection

2009-04-14T08:19:00.000-07:00

As we celebrated Easter this year I tried to put myself back to the time of Jesus’ arrest, trial, death, and rising again. At our community Good Friday service, sitting in a comfortable church, it was hard to connect with the horror of the day of Christ’s death. I thought of the pictures on the news of riots in the streets of some Middle Eastern country where people are throwing rocks and there’s chaos in the streets. I tried to picture Jesus walking that road of suffering and people focusing their hatred and disappointment in his direction. How far they were in their knowledge of Him and what He came to do. There must have been so much confusion on the part of His disciples. As tears came to my eyes, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and love.
My friend just got back from Jerusalem and she walked that street of suffering but it is now full of vendors profiting from the tourists that visit that spot. And then I thought how we have profited from Jesus’ suffering in so many ways.
I could relate to the mourning and grieving over His death. My mother’s death still seems fresh. Grief comes in waves or it would consume you completely. I have had a fresh wave of grief this season. I tried to think what a loss Mary Magdalene was experiencing. The one who had freed her was dead. I thought of a mother’s grief as Mary watched her son give His life away. What a whiplash of joy they must have felt when they found out He was alive.
I have also been thinking about the power that rose Jesus from the dead – the power of obedience to death, the power of a surrendered life, the power we have available to us. This power to walk in what Christ has done for us - power to experience love, joy, and peace. Power over evil, power over selfish ambition, power over lies and deception. Power to walk with Christ in this life as more than a conqueror.
O the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean,
In its fullness over me;
Underneath me, all around me,
Is the current of Thy love . . .
It seems so small, but thank you Jesus.

Sleepless in Seattle

2009-02-15T23:34:00.000-08:00

Perry is taking his last class for his master's degree. The thing is it's in Washington. We were afraid he wouldn't be able to fly today because of the weather. The plane did take off. I told myself that they wouldn't fly if it wasn't safe to do so. I hope he has a great week of learning. I will so miss him. After he went through security at the airport, I totally met the comedian Gallagher. He was looking for coffee and we chatted for a bit until he spotted a coffee pot.

Paige and I are down in Roseville visiting Pattie. We get to hang out in the dorm.

Museum of God

2009-02-14T11:50:00.000-08:00

Here is one of my ideas about God. I view my relationship with God in many ways - One way is like going into a museum to view beautiful works of art. The art is like all the goodness of God - His beauty, majesty, etc. This is His revelation of Himself to me. As I view the art I gain a greater appreciation and awe of God and His goodness in my life. As I come to understand this room, the walls fall down and I am in a bigger room with even more art to behold. If God brought me into the full room of His glory at once I could not take it in. But bit by bit, He grows my understanding of Him as I gain in wonder. Sometimes Satan, the world or my flesh come in and blur the pictures, or cloud my vision. Worship is my response of awe at God's goodness - the artwork. Then God brings me into a room where I am one of the paintings. I am His workmanship to in turn show others the goodness of God. God is the object of my tour of wonder but He is also a companion that travels with me and helps me appreciate the strokes of the artist or the carving of the sculpture. We can laugh, cry, or just stand in silence. I always have Him by me to help me understand, instruct me, and comfort me. When I don't understand a painting and ask Him about it sometimes He answers in detail and sometimes He lets me think it over for a time. In a sense we travel through the museum individually but also as a group (family, friends, church family, community). The other members of the tour bring a fuller sense of meaning to the pieces of art. As I move from one room to another, I don't have 100% understanding of any of the artwork. There is just so much to it that I have a partial understanding like looking into a mirror dimly. Some day I will be with God face to face and know Him fully even as I am fully known.

The art is not just something to look at. It is interactive and participatory. One of the pieces of art I have been gazing at recently is service - serving others and allowing God to serve me. It is very active. All action finds its origin in the nature of God - love, truth, just, merciful . . .

To some this may sound stagnant and boring if museums are not their thing. Maybe others would view God in more of an adventure metaphor or some other avenue. What do you think ? What paintings have you been gazing upon?

How are you doing?

2009-02-13T22:00:00.001-08:00

I was having dinner with some friends the other night and one asked me how I was. In my relationships I often have the roll of listening, counseling, or teaching. The nice thing about a blog is you can just let your thoughts flow. So, these are just a few random thoughts about how I am.
Joy - I have had some pretty amazing moments of joy in the past months. I find this incredible since I have walked through some of my deepest sorrow in the last year. God has given me an incredible group of teenage girls to laugh with. The other night we were laughing so hard my stomach hurt. I think teenagers have a special ability to experience joy. Maybe it's because the cares of this life are not fully resting upon their shoulders. We continued that laughter into our prayer time and had a good laugh with God. I started thinking how weird it must seem to God when we put on our special language to talk to him. I started thinking about how Jesus must have laughed around a table or at a party with His friends. When I read “The Shack,” one of my favorite parts was to see the happiness and joy in the relationships of the Father, Son, and Spirit. Another contributor to my joy is realizing the falsehood and deception that have been in my life. Satan is a liar and it can be so subtle. I have been going through a study on The Bondage Breaker and have been freed from some joy stealers. I also really enjoy talking to my co-workers. We have some new staff this year and their enthusiasm and care for their craft is encouraging and refreshing. Perry continues to bring me joy in his quiet conversation, his acts of love, the twinkle in his eye (which few are privy to and I am so glad I am one of them), and his faithfulness. My kids bring me joy every time I think of them or when I am with them. Paige just kills me – she is so funny. Paul still has that great smile he had when he was just a little guy. Sometimes when I see it now, it takes me back 15 years in an instant. I hope his little boy looks just like that some day. Pattie continues to challenge and astound me. She is so gifted. I love to see her happy and following her dreams. Now, this is just God. I have one of the happiest classes I think I have ever had. Sometimes they are laughing so much they get in trouble. Now, that is just a problem I think I can live with.
Grieving – I continue to grieve my mother and probably always will to some extent. I grieve her death of course and not having that relationship. But so much of her is within me as memories, values, and example. That helps fill the gap. I also have such a wonderful family and that helps. I think one of the hardest things for me is feeling that I grieve the things I never knew about her. She was a very private person, and I feel like there were so many deep parts of her that I never got to know. I know she grieved very deeply after the death of my dad, so I feel like parts of her life were pretty locked away. She also protected me from bad feelings and anything that would hurt me or bring me sadness. I wish I could have a few days with her to ask those questions I never got to ask and say the things I never got to say. I also wonder about her relationship with God. The day after she died I was at her house cleaning her room – remaking the bed and kind of saying good-bye. Out of no where I felt this impression like I do when the spirit talks to me. It just said, “Everything’s alright.” It brought tears to my eyes and kind of took my breath away. I am just going to trust God in that. I am also grieving Pattie’s move. My mother’s death kind of put Pattie’s going away to school into perspective. I think her actually moving to Sacramento was easier after my mom died because after you go through something that horrific, your daughter going to college is nothing. I was also very excited for her to go on this next leg of her journey. In the last months I have come to realize she will probably stay in Sacramento and maybe never really move back. That is the hardest thing to accept. She is so incredibly special that it feels like part of my heart is being torn away. I know that I will have to invest more of myself in other relationships to help fill the void. As I go through this stage, I think of my mom and how she felt when I left home.
Love protects – I know God is my protector but I have never really felt it like I have this year. A few weeks into school I realized how good God was to give me the class He has. He knew just what I needed. I felt like God was being a protective Father. Not in an overprotective, stifling way but in an I know the best for you and what you need right now way.
Hard places – How come the hard times bring the gold? A couple years ago when I charted my life at a retreat, I saw the correlation between difficult times and deep spiritual growth. The trust and dependence in those difficult times brings the gold. Self reliance is striped away and the facades and charades are gone. I guess our whole country is going through this refining. I hope we learn the lesson. As God strips away our idols, may we fall on our knees before Him. May we learn to dance in uncertainty, love our fellow man deeply, and serve a most wasteful God.

Thank You

2008-11-27T22:36:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving n 1. the act of giving thanks 2. a prayer expressing gratitude 3. a public acknowledgement or celebration of divine goodness and mercies

1. I am thankful that God loves me, is in the process of making me whole, and wants my good. I am thankful for my incredible husband. You know when you have a gift that gets better every day, not one that wears out or gets boring. That's Perry. Everyday I discover how blessed I am to be his wife. I see God's love and wisdom in giving me such a terrific, understanding, caring, and loving husband. I am thankful for our incredible children. Each one makes me laugh and I appreciate their uniqueness, friendship, and the way they challenge me. I am thankful for my brother. Through my mom's death I saw a side of him that I don't usually see - a level-headed, tender, loving person who has an incredible strength. Every conversation I have had with him since my mother's death has given me strength. I am thankful that I get to be a teacher. I love being with children and having that relationship with them. Sometimes I catch myself in class thinking I can't believe I get to do this and actually get paid for it. Not only that, but I get to work with a wonderful staff of dedicated, inspiring, and caring people. I am thankful for my church family who live out their love for God and others. I am thankful that Pattie got to come home for Thanksgiving. I am thankful for our friends who laugh and cry with us. And there are so many other things. 2. God, thank you for your goodness. It is so big and I will spend eternity trying to understand it. Thank you that during these last months I have seen your faithful care and direction in my life. I am glad I can trust You when things are confusing. You are my anchor and hope. Thank you that I get to look forward to Pattie coming home for the holidays and that helps fill the void of not having my mom anymore. 3. I publicly celebrate, here in cyberspace, God's incredible goodness and mercy in my life.

We had a nice day with family today. Meme, Papa, and Nanny joined us for dinner. We had the usual turkey meal. It did taste good. After dinner it was kind of relax and try not to fall asleep after eating all that food. We took Perry's folks down to see the new paint job in the church. Paige took a digger on her long board - no serious injuries. Paul went to visit Grace and we relaxed at home. Josiah came over to visit.

Nails & Girls & Bowling Balls

2008-11-26T23:05:00.000-08:00

Today was girls day. Pattie, Paige, and I started our special day with a trip to Walmart to get our nails done. While I was waiting for my manicure, I meet the sweetest lady who was waiting for her daughter. She is 83 and shared some of her life experience with me including a tale about how she married her husband. They were married 63 years. It was so fun to just chat with her. She did feel like a friend. It would have been easy to just ignore her or stick to the familiar. I'm glad I didn't. Pattie had a random run in with a friend from Upper Crust. She was glad to see him. After the nails, we stopped by to see Dr. Keri. She is always fun to talk to. Pattie felt good that they missed her at work. Keri adjusted Pattie and gave me some health advice. I hope it helps. Next stop was the mall - Macy's Clinique counter to be exact. The three of us got our makeup done. We enjoyed visiting with the lady who did our makeup. It was nice to get some new tips with something you do everyday. By this time we were pretty hungry so we went to In n Out. We then picked up Paul's girlfriend Grace and went to Anderson Bowl to meet the Faires Fam for some bowling. I love getting together with them. We don't do it often enough. It is lots of laughs and good memories made. We had fun naming our bowling balls and cheering each other on. It seems like no matter what we do and how long it's been since we were together, it feels like we can just pick up where we left off. It is always fun to watch people bowl. It never resembles the bowlers on TV - it's much more real and entertaining. After bowling, we came to our house and had dessert. That was accompanied with lots of talking and laughing. It was nice to catch up with all the Faires'. Love you guys.