Sleepless in Seattle

Perry is taking his last class for his master's degree. The thing is it's in Washington. We were afraid he wouldn't be able to fly today because of the weather. The plane did take off. I told myself that they wouldn't fly if it wasn't safe to do so. I hope he has a great week of learning. I will so miss him. After he went through security at the airport, I totally met the comedian Gallagher. He was looking for coffee and we chatted for a bit until he spotted a coffee pot.

Paige and I are down in Roseville visiting Pattie. We get to hang out in the dorm.

Museum of God

Here is one of my ideas about God. I view my relationship with God in many ways - One way is like going into a museum to view beautiful works of art. The art is like all the goodness of God - His beauty, majesty, etc. This is His revelation of Himself to me. As I view the art I gain a greater appreciation and awe of God and His goodness in my life. As I come to understand this room, the walls fall down and I am in a bigger room with even more art to behold. If God brought me into the full room of His glory at once I could not take it in. But bit by bit, He grows my understanding of Him as I gain in wonder. Sometimes Satan, the world or my flesh come in and blur the pictures, or cloud my vision. Worship is my response of awe at God's goodness - the artwork. Then God brings me into a room where I am one of the paintings. I am His workmanship to in turn show others the goodness of God. God is the object of my tour of wonder but He is also a companion that travels with me and helps me appreciate the strokes of the artist or the carving of the sculpture. We can laugh, cry, or just stand in silence. I always have Him by me to help me understand, instruct me, and comfort me. When I don't understand a painting and ask Him about it sometimes He answers in detail and sometimes He lets me think it over for a time. In a sense we travel through the museum individually but also as a group (family, friends, church family, community). The other members of the tour bring a fuller sense of meaning to the pieces of art. As I move from one room to another, I don't have 100% understanding of any of the artwork. There is just so much to it that I have a partial understanding like looking into a mirror dimly. Some day I will be with God face to face and know Him fully even as I am fully known.

The art is not just something to look at. It is interactive and participatory. One of the pieces of art I have been gazing at recently is service - serving others and allowing God to serve me. It is very active. All action finds its origin in the nature of God - love, truth, just, merciful . . .

To some this may sound stagnant and boring if museums are not their thing. Maybe others would view God in more of an adventure metaphor or some other avenue. What do you think ? What paintings have you been gazing upon?

How are you doing?

I was having dinner with some friends the other night and one asked me how I was. In my relationships I often have the roll of listening, counseling, or teaching. The nice thing about a blog is you can just let your thoughts flow. So, these are just a few random thoughts about how I am.
Joy - I have had some pretty amazing moments of joy in the past months. I find this incredible since I have walked through some of my deepest sorrow in the last year. God has given me an incredible group of teenage girls to laugh with. The other night we were laughing so hard my stomach hurt. I think teenagers have a special ability to experience joy. Maybe it's because the cares of this life are not fully resting upon their shoulders. We continued that laughter into our prayer time and had a good laugh with God. I started thinking how weird it must seem to God when we put on our special language to talk to him. I started thinking about how Jesus must have laughed around a table or at a party with His friends. When I read “The Shack,” one of my favorite parts was to see the happiness and joy in the relationships of the Father, Son, and Spirit. Another contributor to my joy is realizing the falsehood and deception that have been in my life. Satan is a liar and it can be so subtle. I have been going through a study on The Bondage Breaker and have been freed from some joy stealers. I also really enjoy talking to my co-workers. We have some new staff this year and their enthusiasm and care for their craft is encouraging and refreshing. Perry continues to bring me joy in his quiet conversation, his acts of love, the twinkle in his eye (which few are privy to and I am so glad I am one of them), and his faithfulness. My kids bring me joy every time I think of them or when I am with them. Paige just kills me – she is so funny. Paul still has that great smile he had when he was just a little guy. Sometimes when I see it now, it takes me back 15 years in an instant. I hope his little boy looks just like that some day. Pattie continues to challenge and astound me. She is so gifted. I love to see her happy and following her dreams. Now, this is just God. I have one of the happiest classes I think I have ever had. Sometimes they are laughing so much they get in trouble. Now, that is just a problem I think I can live with.
Grieving – I continue to grieve my mother and probably always will to some extent. I grieve her death of course and not having that relationship. But so much of her is within me as memories, values, and example. That helps fill the gap. I also have such a wonderful family and that helps. I think one of the hardest things for me is feeling that I grieve the things I never knew about her. She was a very private person, and I feel like there were so many deep parts of her that I never got to know. I know she grieved very deeply after the death of my dad, so I feel like parts of her life were pretty locked away. She also protected me from bad feelings and anything that would hurt me or bring me sadness. I wish I could have a few days with her to ask those questions I never got to ask and say the things I never got to say. I also wonder about her relationship with God. The day after she died I was at her house cleaning her room – remaking the bed and kind of saying good-bye. Out of no where I felt this impression like I do when the spirit talks to me. It just said, “Everything’s alright.” It brought tears to my eyes and kind of took my breath away. I am just going to trust God in that. I am also grieving Pattie’s move. My mother’s death kind of put Pattie’s going away to school into perspective. I think her actually moving to Sacramento was easier after my mom died because after you go through something that horrific, your daughter going to college is nothing. I was also very excited for her to go on this next leg of her journey. In the last months I have come to realize she will probably stay in Sacramento and maybe never really move back. That is the hardest thing to accept. She is so incredibly special that it feels like part of my heart is being torn away. I know that I will have to invest more of myself in other relationships to help fill the void. As I go through this stage, I think of my mom and how she felt when I left home.
Love protects – I know God is my protector but I have never really felt it like I have this year. A few weeks into school I realized how good God was to give me the class He has. He knew just what I needed. I felt like God was being a protective Father. Not in an overprotective, stifling way but in an I know the best for you and what you need right now way.
Hard places – How come the hard times bring the gold? A couple years ago when I charted my life at a retreat, I saw the correlation between difficult times and deep spiritual growth. The trust and dependence in those difficult times brings the gold. Self reliance is striped away and the facades and charades are gone. I guess our whole country is going through this refining. I hope we learn the lesson. As God strips away our idols, may we fall on our knees before Him. May we learn to dance in uncertainty, love our fellow man deeply, and serve a most wasteful God.